Independence Day

I broke my no alcohol promise to myself last night.  I guess that’s OK since it was a holiday.
I hate hangovers.

Friday

My dad fired three people at his factory today.  Funny how good employees are always at risk of losing their job while I, a part-timer, will always be employed there.

I called John tonight and we talked about upcoming films.

I’m getting to sleep early tonight.

Sex Sells

My previous experimental blog gave wonderful results.  64 hits on that day followed by lesser hits each consecutive day leading to now: 3 a day, which is still 3 higher than before.  Sex, fuck, and cum are top tag searches.  Quite sad really.  I wish I liked filthy topics more so I could write up lengthy blogs and receive hundreds of hits.

Fact is, I don’t like sex.  Don’t get me wrong, it usually feels good and is a great stress reliever.  But it’s disgusting.  When it doesn’t feel good – it flat out hurts.  It’s messy.  It stinks.  And don’t get me started on cum…  Unless you want to face my cyber-vomit.

Despite my efforts through the years, I’ve not had but a couple boyfriends.  I tend to push people away faster than I can bring them in.  As for sexual intercourse, there’s only been three men inside me.

This topic has already bored me.

Sex

Sex sex sex.  Sex fucking screwing humping sex.

I’ve had one single hit on my blog on WordPress since I started.  I mention “sex” in one a couple days ago and all of a sudden I get swatted with the popularity stick.  I should mention sex in every single post.

I’m putting up a bunch of foul tags for this post.  Let’s see how that works.

Cleaning up

So passes another week.  A coworker and I installed a ZEX nitrous kit into his wife’s 2007 Shelby GT500 Friday.  That was fun despite having her sticking her big head of hair in my face every time she got curious.  She turned a 20 minute job into a 2 hour event.  I’m uncertain as to why she wanted the nitrous as I’m pretty sure she doesn’t even know how to operate her power windows.  I dislike dumb women.

In an effort to straighten myself out, I’ve restarted my antidepressants¹ and am working at eliminating some of the negative influences in my life.  I’ve been 100% sober since Tuesday; that’s a personal best.  I’ve even tossed out all of my empty bottles of Beam and poured out the filled few.  The hardest decision was cutting Tony from my routine.  He was very supportive when I told him why I was doing what I was doing, but asked if we could have one last go at it.  Despite the craving of my lady parts, I declined.  I’ve since dusted off the rabbit.  It’s a boring and poor substitute.

To fill my usually drunk and/or unconscious time, I found myself completing many necessary tasks.
The whole house is spotless.
The cars are spotless inside and out, including engines.
My gun² has finally been cleaned.
And I’ve gotten more restful sleep than I may ever have before.

If I had friends that weren’t totally fake³, I just might find some happiness.  If you happen to be in the Southern Indiana area, stop by and lend some company.

¹Zoloft.
²Yes, I own a gun.  Yes, I know how to use it.  Para Hawg 9.  I love that little bastard.
³Nearly all of my friends are from local tattoo shops and only have one thing on their minds: needles.

Weekend

This weeked sucked.  I’ve been sick since last night and unable to do anything but sleep.  And a neighbor has had his TV up so loud I haven’t even been sleeping well.

Pity

After nearly two weeks, John and I saw each other again.  At the supermarket.  I crashed him with my cart so he would notice me.  I gave a lame apology for our previous time together and he accepted it.  I figure he knows I’m mental.  We ended up having an Italian dinner out and parted ways afterward.  I would really like to have more with that guy but I think I should accept he doesn’t.  It’s OK.  He’s still a rockin’ friend.  I told Tony my feelings last night and he was sympathetic.  Then reminded me that he was there to get laid.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to just pack up and run away to another city, a big city.  Start over.  I’m at the point in life that I’m craving a relationship yet all I’m getting are daily booty calls with the same guy and failed attempts with anyone else.

I talked to my sister¹ on the telephone today.  We discussed Father’s Day.  She discussed Father’s Day while I listened.  That’s Daddy’s Little Girl there.  They’re inseparable.  I hate them both for it.

Been doing searches through WordPress and finding some interesting bloggers.  I’m keeping up to date with several.  Some people lead some really amazing lives yet cannot see it for themselves.

I feel so bad for families of Air France flight 447.

¹Half; father’s blood.

Depression returns

This has been a very difficult week.  On Tuesday morning I found myself lying on my side in bed staring at the wall with tears falling, not crying at all, but unstoppable tears.  I was just frozen.  My death was the only thing that cycled through my mind.  I wanted to just stop living.  No reason for it.  It was horrifying when I came to my senses.  I wondered why I would think like that.  It’s taken me nearly a week to stop dwelling on the strangeness of it.  I’m still worried.

Zoom!

I got pulled over for speeding again.  68 in a 25MPH residential zone.  Definitely not my worst¹.  Probably my fiftieth time I’ve gotten out of a ticket.  You gotta love my town.

I picked up a few more bottles of Beam at the liquor store to last my weekend.

I’ve still not heard from John.

¹112 in a 35MPH

Typically Me

Well, it looks like I may have blown it yet again.  John agreed to stay overnight with me again.  We watched TV until late then retired to the bed.  He went under the covers fully clothed while I stripped to my underwear.  I was excited to see him watch me in the dim light as I slid into the bed with him.  We made out for such a long time.  When we kiss the world freezes and my lips dream.  His hardness against my leg told me he wanted me and I certainly wanted him.  But when I made to remove his pants, he stopped me.  He said that we shouldn’t just yet.  I was nearly begging.  And when I realized it, my raincloud returned.  Suddenly, I didn’t want him near me.  I didn’t want him to see me, especially not naked.  I asked him to please leave and he did.

That was two days ago.  I haven’t heard from him nor seen him.  I’ve remained drunk nearly every waking moment since then and haven’t bothered working¹.  I’ve not heard from anyone whatsoever.  When I woke up this afternoon, sober, I felt emo and wanted to go back to cutting.  How lame is that?

So much for my happiness.  I wonder if anyone is selling sunshine on eBay…

¹Missing work doesn’t mean much as I’m basically a floundering part-timer in all my jobs.